CRECC 1998: Although conditions for the first annual Cedar Rapids Existentialist Cup
Classic trail race were mildly misty, mostly moist, and mainly just plain cold, an amazing
number of runners (22) and volunteers (5) actually turned out for the event, which was
conceived and organized only two months prior to race day. Incredibly, the race was about to
begin on time at 8:39 AM, but three runners, including the eventual men's winner Chad
Goldsmith, hopped out of their vehicles at the last moment and jogged up to the registration
table, causing a five minute delay. This minor inconvenience was barely noticed however,
when superstar runner and celebrity John Armon emerged from the bustling crowd. Mr.
Armon was gracious enough to participate in the event by holding one end of the tape as the
winners crossed the line, giving many of the local runners a warm feeling inside, as they
dreamed the impossible dream of running stride for stride with greatness. As well as being
famous, fast, and gorgeous, John Armon remains a genuine person. Post race, as I foolishly
stood unaware and unthinking in the direct path between Mr. Armon and his expensive,
shiny, black, new truck, he was courteous enough to say, "You're in my way, geek," before
nudging me gently but firmly aside with a pointed elbow.
Participants left the starting line
and raced over the grassy knoll toward the Sac and Fox Trail Head on East Post Road. After
Chad Goldsmith broke the tape in a very schnell 26:18, Bob Strickland finished a strong
second, powerful legs pumping, massive chest heaving, his flowing mane of hair blowing in
the breeze behind him. Terrible Tom Van Berkum also finished tough in under 30 minutes.
Amidst cheers from young , attractive women representing the international JRO Club,
Adonis-like JR Ogden approached the chute on his home turf, gracefully flapping his arms
and panting like a dog, while up-and-coming TNT 1st-grouper Brian Long finished only 14
seconds later, continuing his surge up the CVRA front-runner mountain. Swails floated in
during a lull in the action, and President Bill Ingels, the 1998 ONPRRF winner, followed
one minute later.
Women's overall winner Lora Ernest of Wapello finished in 33:18. During
the posh award ceremony in the overwhelming excitement of the post-race festivities
including the near riot created by long lines and fighting after an impromptu John Armon
autograph frenzy developed, the race director forgot to distribute the cash awards to the
overall winners. Because complete mailing addresses were not given on the race applications
from either winner, the awards will be rolled over into next year's prize money unless
claimed before next year's race. That will bolster the purse to a whopping $2.28. It is further
suspected in certain circles that the men's winner may yet be a high school athlete, and
therefore unable to receive cash winnings at this time.
Short, muscular Kevin Ballard and
future triathlon team champion Dick Morrison found the finish line without help, which is
something we can't say for Lori Novak, a nimble and effervescent, yet brutish and punishing
runner that frequents many a late-night establishment, hanging around in short skirts, pink
lipstick, and heavy black eye-liner until closing time, or at least until she picks a fight and is
bounced out the steel back door, where she stumbles into the rough, gray, cement gutter
face-down in a pool consisting of yesterdays rain, blood from her battered knuckles, and beer
from the broken glass still clutched firmly in her left hand. Candy Ogden bolted across the
finish line in an almost surreal, slow-motion time-lapse reminiscent of Strickland, her long
blond locks flowing Fabio-esque in the wind, shattering the 40 minute mark and nearly
eclipsing the coveted 39 minute mark with a rigid 39:04. Diane Ballard won the 40 age
group outright, storming into the chute five minutes behind Dody, who was kind enough to
represent the Tuesday-Thursday YMCA runners in a proud and exciting manner. Next year
we'll have Lori and Dody fist fight for the award "Bubbliest Runner". The winner could
receive an all expenses paid date with superstar celeb John Armon.
Conspicuous in his absence
was fragile, wispy C.J. Ong, who assured me of his status as a flaming cucumber as we
enjoyed post-race bananas and other fruits at the Coe 5K late in October. The race applications, however, revealed
little statistically about the advantages lascivious, underpaid lima beans have over violent, enraged potatoes.
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